Michael Vick Out Against Panthers, Ron Mexico In

When the Eagles take the field against the Carolina Panthers Thursday night many expect recent signee Michael Vick to be part of the Philadelphia contingent, but sources close to the team tell The Phunyun that no player wearing a Vick jersey will appear on the field that evening.

Instead, wearing number 7 for the Eagles will be Ron Mexico, the name Vick has legally taken following the outrage after his signing earlier this month.

Some might find the name change as a surprise, but there is some precedent.

In 2005, a female healthcare worker filed a lawsuit against Vick, claiming that she contracted herpes simplex 2 after having unprotected sex with the Atlanta Falcons QB. In the lawsuit, the woman claimed Vick knew he had herpes after being tested multiple times for the disease under the name Ron Mexico.

Although the case was settled out of court with Vick never acknowledging his use of the pseudonym, he has now decided to embrace the Ron Mexico moniker, saying the embarrassment surrounding the name is easier to handle than what he went to jail for.

"Who wants to go around admitting that they have herpes?" Mexico (nee Vick) said in an exclusive interview with The Phunyun. "But I just had to ask myself, 'what's easier to swallow, having herpes or killing and electrocuting puppies?' I'm going with herpes."

As with most decisions surrounding the former No. 1 pick, the Eagles were heavily involved in the evolution of Michael Vick to Ron Mexico.

"This wasn't necessarily a 'football decision,'" said Eagles president Joe Banner. "But sometimes you have to look at things from a PR perspective. And at the end of the day what's an easier thing to sell to public? Using a false name to see if you have herpes or forcing dogs into death matches and allegedly hanging them? I'm going herpes every time."

The decision to change Vick's name to Ron Mexico may have financial repercussions for the Eagles who will be unable to sell Mexico jerseys in stores or online because of a ban on the name by the NFL.

But some, like Philadelphia resident Charlie Balducci says he's showing his solidarity with the Eagles QB in another way.

"Look, who out there can saw we didn't go down to Cancun for spring break or something and not come back with a present we didn't exactly want?" said the 38-year-old mechanic. "You know what I'm saying? A little Valtrex. Boom! All better."

While the name change seems to get the Eagles and their new player one step ahead of the backlash from PETA and a variety of other groups, a new challenge may be facing the team and its quarterback in the coming months.

According to sources south of the border, Mexican President Felipe Calderon is considering a boycott of Philadelphia-based products if Mexico takes the field Thursday night.

Who's the Boss Actor Attends North East High Orientation

Tony Danza pictured in front of North East High School in Philadelphia

In a 3-1 vote just days ago, the School Reform board approved television and film star, Tony Danza, to shoot the new reality series "Teach" at North East High School in Philadelphia. The show won't air till sometime in 2010 on A&E, but that didn't stop its star from getting up-to-speed by attending his teacher's orientation. "I've played a male-nanny, a baseball pitcher, and a field goal kicking trash man, but teacher is the toughest role I'm ever gonna play."

The 58 year old Brooklyn native recently moved into a duplex on the corner of Pennway and Brighton Streets, just blocks from North East High. He states, "I wanted to be close to the kids and the school... and the 7-11." Danza currently holds a bachelors degree in history education from the University of Dubuque, and will team up with a primary teacher once school starts this week. Cameras will remain hidden so the students can feel more comfortable, and the school has permission to cancel the series if they feel the show is becoming a distraction. Prospective "Teach." Sophomore, Johnathan Monangela shared, "Its cool for the school and all, to have like, a famous guy teaching class... plus, Alyssa Milano... I'd hit that."

The Phunyun was able to procure a copy of Danza's syllabus, which contains an interesting curriculum. Firstly, his class's grading policy will not be based on the traditional A-F scale. Rather, students will receive either a passing grade of "Ay-oh" or a failing grade of "Oh-ay." And secondly, students are expected to recite the theme song to "Who's the Boss?" on command no matter where they may cross Danza's path: the halls, the cafeteria, even the bathroom.

A&E hopes "Teach" can match the popularity and dedicated viewership of its other Philly-based reality series, "Parking Wars". The original prospective cast to host "Teach." included John Ritter and Christopher Reeves, but they both died.

Corp. Sponsors Follow Eagles Lead, Give Vick "2nd Chance"

In April of 2007, then Atlanta quarterbacking runner, Michael Vick, was convicted of felony charges for his involvement in a large unlawful interstate dog fighting ring. He was sentenced to 2 years of prison time, was indefinitely suspended by the National Footballing League, lost all his corporate sponsors and had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. He lost everything. One of those sponsors was Vicks Chemical Group, makers of numerous health products including the world famous "Vicks Vapo Rub." CEO of Procter & Gamble, William Suitsky stated, "It was a win win situation. He did amazing things on the field... we did amazing things on your chest, but he blew it."

Suitsky demanded his marketing team remove Vick from all promotional materials, including displays and the bottles of rub themselves. He even went as far as removing the name Vicks from the label, something that had been around since 1890. He states, "To be honest, it hurt business. Nobody wants to just buy Bob's Vapo Rub... they want Vicks."

Meanwhile, Vick completed his prison sentence and was re-instated into the league by commissioner Roger Goodell in July, where he was promptly signed to a 1 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles. Head play coach, Andy Reid fought hard and long to convince owner Jeffery Lurie to sign Vick. Reid stated, "Everyone deserves to get seconds..."

When asked how the partnership between number wearing 7 and Procter & Gamble was revisited, Suitsky replied, "It all started with a phone call." Former Horse Colts head play coach Tony Dungy contacted the corporation and told them that Michael Vick was a changed man. "Mr. Dungy was pretty adamant about Michael seeing the error of his ways. I have a hard time trusting black people, but I'm willing to give Mr. Vick a second chance." When told that Tony Dungy was also black, Suitsky responded by laughing hysterically.

Calls were made to all of Vick's former sponsors, including Nike, EA Sports, Coca-Cola and Hasbro with a response of "no comment."

Notes: Michael Vick will be eligible for football play by Week 6 of the Eagles game season at the latest. He can participate in all practices and meetings, and the final two preseason footballing games. Vick is more known for his ability to speed run and less for his ability to arm throw football passes.

World Series Champs Release Magical Holiday Album

Those tuning in to PBS (WHYY) tomorrow evening will not see the regularly scheduled "Chris Isaak Christmas" or "Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." Instead, they will be treated to a holiday music tour de force, featuring the unlikely coupling of the 2008 World Series Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies, with star recording artists ranging from Hall n' Oates to Sir Elton John. This special, taped just weeks ago at the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia, features select songs from the new album "Christmas Came Two Months Early..." the brainchild of Phil Spector, world renowned producer and murderer. Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel coined the popular phrase that adorns each CD insert in a speech at the conclusion of the Championship parade at Citizen's Bank Park. Since that moment, the city of Philadelphia had been in a state of Christmas Euphoria.

Contributors to PBS fundraisers and drives can get their holiday 2 disc-set for a donation of $200.00 US. Disc One is 16 tracks of holiday cheer with a dash of Phillies championship baseball. Highlights include musical cameos by MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, former star of "Who's the Boss?" Alyssa Milano, star of Broadway and stage Robert Goulet, the Vienna Boys Choir and many more... all teamed up with South Philadelphia's favorite team to sing old and new Christmas classics. Disc Two is a DVD packed with extras from the making of the album. Take on the Phillie Phanatic in an interactive sleigh ride on the Schuykill, follow local camera crews for behind the scenes bloopers in the 60 min. all access documentary, or help local radio personality from 610 WIP, Howard Eskin, save his collection of Christmas mink coats from the PETA Grinches.

Full Track listing for Disc 1 can be found by clicking more below.
More...

1. O' Coach O' Coach, C. Manuel - the entire 2008 World Series Championship Philadelphia Phillies roster headed by Robert Goulet.
2. Step Into Kalas - Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and Sir Elton John.
3. Jingle Burrell Rock - outfielder, Pat Burrell and the Phillies Ball Girls.
4. Here Comes Blanton Claus - pitcher and game four hero Joe Blanton on the sax (instrumental).
5. Joy to the World (F*cking Champions) - Chase Utley and the Vienna Boys Choir.
6. Silent Ninth - perfect closer, Brad Lidge with the help of J.C. Romero and Ryan Madson.
7. Do You Eyre What I Eyre? - Scott Eyre, Chad Durbin, and J.A. Happ team up with the Bare Naked Ladies.
8. Baby, it's Wet Outside - MLB commissioner Bud Selig and the Citizen's Bank Grounds Crew, with a special solo by Fox's John Bolaris.
9. Gillick-alikimaka - Shane and brother Mau-hulo Victorino celebrate the Phillies former GM and their native land.
10. What Inning is This? - Sarge Matthews and Alyssa Milano.
11. Deck the Wife - Phillies starting pitcher, Brett Myers and the Boston PD.
12. Ruiz/Feliz Navidad - catcher Carlos Ruiz and third baseman Pedro Feliz mambo with Buena Vista Social Club.
13. O' Little Town of Souderton - The Jamie Moyer Family.
14. Brunt-lett it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow - pinch hitter Eric Bruntlett, Daryl Hall and John Oates.
15. Swing Away in a Manger - Ryan Howard and his animated bat, Hitty (voiced by Dom De Louise).
16. I've Got My Glove to Keep Me Warm - golden glover Jimmy Rollins and soul artist Eryka Badu.

Septa Announces "What The Fuck Did You Expect Really?"

Friday's Phillies championship parade drew such a crowd into Philadelphia that the city's public transportation system suspended service into the city at 1 p.m. leaving thousands of fans unable to reach the parade. This is just one part of SEPTA's ongoing "We Really Just Don't Give A Shit" campaign.

Early estimates say Friday's Phillies championship parade drew over two million people into the city from 20th and Market to the stadium complex in South Philly. Because of the huge crowd, and the urging of Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter, many decided to take SEPTA, Philadelphia's public transportation system. But by midday they had cancelled all inbound service to the city so trains would be available to bring people home after the parade.

"The option was really to either add more trains to alleviate the congestion, or just give up," said SEPTA spokesperson Dee Ouchebag. "So we just stopped running the trains inbound because we really just don't give a shit."

As it turned out, SEPTA's hard work getting trains back to Philadelphia worked well as thousands of people were left stranded, some waiting more than three hours for trains heading to the suburbs.

"I live in the suburbs, we don't take the goddamn train out there, we drive," said first time SEPTA rider Rico Savage. "I've been standing [at Suburban Station] for two hours now, I'm never using SEPTA again."

Ouchebag said SEPTA has been getting thousands of reactions like that all day.

"And that's basically what we're looking for at SEPTA," said Ouchebag. "This was our moment to really show people what we were all about and I think now everyone in the Philadelphia region, and hopefully the world, know we really just don't give a shit."

UPDATE: William Penn Statue Torn Down, Fans Proclaim "The Curse Is Overthrown"

Today at approximately 10 a.m., a number of unidentified Philadelphia sports fans were able hijack a FOX-29 helicopter and removed the William Penn statue which once stood above City Hall. The statue, once the icon for the so-called "William Penn Curse" which kept Philadelphia sports teams from winning a championship, was ripped from it's base and then dropped 12 stories to the City Hall concourse.

A large group of revelers who were still celebrating after Wednesday night's World Series victory, gathered around the remains of the statue to take out 28 years of frustration on the William Penn likeness, beating it with hammers, shoes and stale Amoroso rolls.

"We overthrew the curse!" screamed Center City resident Adam Eneav. "William Penn is finally dead!"

When asked about the William Penn incident in a press conference this afternoon, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter said the city will not take the actions lightly.

"That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted," said Nutter. "You can celebrate, but you cannot be a jackass."

Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.