Citing Success of Pollution-ridden Beijing, Marcus Hook Awarded 2012 Summer Games

The International Olympic Committee entered the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China with much trepidation because of the concerns over pollution and smog that might effect the views of the games and potentially effect the health of the athletes. But the success of the XXIX Olympiad has caused the IOC to rethink the future venues of the summer games and in a surprising move announced the decision to change the 2012 games from its original host city of London, to the Philadelphia suburb of Marcus Hook.

IOC President Jacques Rogge said the decision to move the 2012 games to Marcus Hook was based mostly on the television ratings for the Beijing games.

"The American audience is tuning in in droves on NBC and over half of the UK population watched the opening ceremonies," said Rogge. "And we think a lot of that has to do with the pollution and people's interest in how that would effect the games."

The change of venues by the IOC is stunning for a number of reasons. First, with only about 2,000 residents, Marcus Hook is not even a city and does not have the infrastructure at the moment to host the games. But maybe most surprising is Marcus Hook did not even inquire about hosting the games. Mayor George McClure said he is as surprised as any to hear that his borough will be at the center of the world's attention in just four years.

"I got the phone call late Friday night that they were interested in moving the games here and I said to the guy, 'I think you got the wrong number,'" said McClure. "But they really wanted to have the Summer Olympics here. Not sure where the hell we're going to put everything though."

While the new soccer stadium planned for the nearby city of Chester may help with the number of venues needed for the borough, McClure says figuring out where to hold many of the events is going to be a problem.

"I'm thinking for the swimming stuff we can just have 'em do laps in the Delaware [River]," he said. "I'm gonna have someone buy some of those noodles you have in the pool and we'll just string 'em together and there's your lanes. Hopefully there's no leaks from the refinery or something. Ha! Try swimming in that Phelps."

Michael Phelps Calls Americans 'Front Runners' For Only Following Swimming Every Four Years

In an interview with muckraking sports program Best Damn Sports Show Period, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps called Americans "front runners" for only following Olympic sports every four years.

On Thursday night's episode of the FOX Sports show Phelps, who has won five gold medals and set five world records at this year's Summer Games, told the hosts he felt, for some reason, the United States public only seems to support swimming every four years when athletes from all over the world gather in one place to compete in their respective sports.

"There are times, ya know it's like, one of those countries they, ya know ... I might catch some flak for this - they're front-runners," said Phelps "When you're doing good, they're on your side. When you're doing bad they're completely against you."

Phelps compared his situation with that of the the swimmer who came in behind him, winning the silver medal in the 200m butterfly and 400m individual medley in this year's games.

"For example, Laszlo [Cseh]'s from Hungary. Ya know, Hungary, it seems like, they support their team. They're out there ... and they're encouraging. In The U.S., you can't be no punk," he said.

Phelps' remarks have set off a firestorm among sports fans in the U.S. who argue that the Olympics only happen every four years and wouldn't know how to follow the sports beyond that time frame even if they wanted to.

However, some sports figures in the United States have stood behind Phelps' remarks. Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins said Phelps was completely right about front running fans.

"If he lived in Philly he'd really see how bad it was," said Rollins. "Try swimming laps with guys chanting E-A-G-L-E-S the entire time."

Rollins' teammate Ryan Howard responded by saying, "Uhhhhh ...."

Consumer Product Recall

The Great Atlantic & Pacific Tea Co. has issued a massive recall of 3 products for the city of Philadelphia, focusing on purchases made at local Super Fresh and Acme stores within the past 24 hours. The products are as follows:

Topps Ground Beef Patties (10oz) - serial #18897-3845 and product code 177.
JonJon's Scrapple (17.5 oz) serial #18845-2333 and product code 888.
Nathan's Footlong Hot Dogs (24oz) - serial #18898-3846 and product code 132.

No specific reason has been given for the recall and customers are asked to return the products to their place of purchase for a full refund.

Break-in Turned Suicide Baffles Local Authorities

What was once labeled a routine breaking and entering by Philadelphia Police is now being called an apparent suicide. Authorities responded to a 911 call reporting a break-in at the Topps Meat Co. packing plant in South Philadelphia, finding a large hole in the roof above most of the machinery. The only problem with the theory of the plant being burglarized: there was nothing missing.

Officer Tan Chu was on duty at the scene and stated, "Aside from the hole and the discovery of a size 11 hi-top Nike sneaker, we found nothing to determine that this was a break-in." Shortly after interviewing the officer, we noted a distraught woman talking with police about another unrelated matter. Or so we thought.

"I returned home from my late shift and found this letter by an open window," stated Lynn Goleg, a nurse who lives in the LongView apartments next door to the packing plant. Police believe her son, Arthur, wrote a suicide letter shortly before stepping out the window of their apartment on the 16th floor, falling to his death. Arthur wears size 11 Nike hi-tops.

What's baffling about this particular case is that no one can seem to find Arthur's body. "There's tons of vats of meat, pipes, machinery with blades and plastic wrap for us to go through," adds Chu. The morning cleaning crew discovered the hole in the ceiling before making the call, and the plant is self automated. This leaves an open window of 6 hours between the suicide and the discovery of the hole. Head foreman, Stu Benson says, "The plant runs on its own and the only human interaction overnight is the meat being loaded by hand into tractor trailers and shipped out."

If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Arthur Goleg, please contact local authorities.

Radiohead Shares Meaning of Life with Camden Crowd

Radiohead, who played a sold out concert at the Susquehanna Bank Center last night in Camden, is not Led Zeppellin, the Rolling Stones, or the Beatles... so just shut up. Their lead singer, Thom Yorke, has something wrong with his eye. Their setlist consisted mostly of songs from their "pay what you want" album In Rainbows, with a sprinkle of previous albums here and there. And while I was taking a piss, they supposedly shared the meaning of life with the couple thousand fans in attendance.

I had just returned from the bathroom and was standing in line, waiting for a Michelob Ultra, when I noticed everyone in the crowd was hugging and crying, but in a happy way. Even the dweeb at the beer-hut wasn't paying attention to the twenty I held out to him. It was like the ending of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, where everyone at the top of the mountain was touched by some sort of experience that no one else would ever understand, unless they had been there.

I grabbed a kid wearing a Manic Street Preachers T-shirt and demanded he tell me what the band said, but he couldn't describe it. Apparently, Yorke began speaking in tongues, sharing information in the form of clicks and pops, like some sort of African dialect, but everyone could still understand him. While he was doing this, the rest of the band made hand symbols and stood in varying body formations, turning these little flash lights on and off.

They then climbed into a flying boat made of tinfoil and headed back across the river to Philadelphia. I didn't get to hear Grizzly Bear, the opening band from Brooklyn, because I was huffing a nitrous balloon in the parking lot and getting a hummer. For a song by song recap of the show, click after the jump.

More...
01. 15 Step - Opening song from In Rainbows and the closest thing to rock this band played
02. There There - This one needs a little less big drum and a little more cowbell
03. Morning Bell - wtf???
04. All I Need - I could bang to that.
05. The National Anthem - That's not our national anthem.
06. Videotape - How do you groove to something like this? This is a concert... right?
07. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - Beatles cover, I think.
08. The Gloaming - Something is wrong with their instruments. They sound fuzzy.
09. Where I End And You Begin - *yawn*
10. Faust Arp - I really hate playful banter between the band. See: Van Halen
11. No Surprises - *fell asleep*
12. Jigsaw - This band is a rock-tease.
13. The Bends - I heard this on Y100 once.
14. Idioteque - Yorke dances wildly, like that guy from the Mighty Might Bosstones, on crack.
15. Climbing Up The Walls - brb.
16. Nude - ...
17. Bodysnatchers - Thank God that's over.

Encore 1
18. House of Cards - Shit!
19. Lucky
20. Go Slowly - Was this a slow song? I couldn't tell. No wait, there are my parents dancing to it over there... nevermind.
21. Just - let there be one more song.
22. Street Spirit - I heard this on WMMR once.

Encore 2
23. Reckoner - Fuck!
24. Planet Telex - This is Where I go to the bathroom.
25. Everything In Its Right Place

Local Scientist Discovers/Isolates "Wooder" Gland

A local scientist has documented an undiscovered gland specific to mouths of persons living in and around the Philadelphia area. This extra growth can be found in the back of the throat and is shown to be the key contributing factor in their mis-pronunciation of the word "water."

Sheena E. Stone, head of Otolaryngology research at DuPont in Delaware states, "It is a rather amazing discovery for the medical field and a huge piece of evidence promoting the theory of evolution." The gathering of tissue at the base of the tongue, near the trachea shortens the extension of the tongue making the flick of the customary "wat" in water, sound more a like a "wood."

The discovery was made while applying a new form of lip gloss developed by cosmetics giant Bausch and Lomb on test subjects from the Tri-State area. An allergic reaction occurred on all the participants except for those from Philadelphia. Scientists have since performed further testing and discovered that the gland acts as a defense booster for the immune system, counter-attacking toxins that can be found in everyday items, such as buffalo wing sauce, the glue in plain white sneakers, and the metallic coating in fake gold jewelry.

Following Success of Juan Samuel Night, Phils Announce Plan to Honor Steve Jeltz, Others

Friday night the Phillies welcomed the 30th player into their Wall of Fame when Juan Samuel joined the likes of Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton and Tony Taylor in having his likelihood enshrined in Citizen Bank Park's centerfield. The success of the night has caused the team to rethink their previous initiative of honoring great Phillies players and instead intend on canonizing mediocre to poor players starting with Steve Jeltz in 2009.

John Brazer, publicity director for the Phillies, said the team was shocked by the public support given to Samuel on Friday night and said the decision to honor Jeltz stems from what he called Philadelphia's "love of losers."

"If you had told me a year ago that almost 44,000 people would show up to honor Juan Samuel I would have told you you were nuts," said Brazer. "But that's what happened. And you can say it was because it was a Friday night, or because the team's in first place, but the truth is 44,000 people came out to honor a mediocre second baseman and we feel they'll come out to support Steve Jeltz, who quite frankly was a pretty bad shortstop."

While players with the pedigree of Jeltz and Samuel would be out of place on many teams' Walls of Fame, it seems appropriate for the Phillies who have already honored Tony Taylor, a career .261 hitter, and Willie "Puddin' Head" Jones who hit 180 home runs in 12 seasons with the Phils. With that in mind, and following the success of Juan Samuel night, the Phillies have their honorees picked for the next few years. According to Brazer, here are the upcoming players selected to the Wall of Fame:

• 2009 Steve Jeltz - Jeltz holds the records for most games played, at bats, runs, hits, doubles, triples, runs batted in, walks and strikeouts ... for players born in France.
• 2010 Bruce Ruffin - Ruffin was a second round draft pick for the Phillies in 1985 and finished seventh in 1986's Rookie of the Year voting. He was also 42-58 with a 4.02 ERA in six seasons with the Phillies.
• 2011 Kevin Stocker - Stocker's first game for the Phillies was the infamous 20-inning game against the Dodgers in 1993. He finished with a career .261 average with the Phillies and was traded for Bobby Abreu in 1998.
• 2012 Charlie "I'm not Von" Hayes - In two stints with the Phillies, Hayes batted .256 and committed 71 errors. In a defining moment in 1990, Hayes broke up Phillies' teammate Terry Mulholland's perfect game against the Giants with a throwing error.
• 2013 Wes Chamberlain - At 6'2" 210lbs Chamberlain looked to be the next great home run hitter for the Phillies. In parts of five years with the team he batted .260 and belted 38 home runs.