Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.

PHILS WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF BASEBALL GAMING...

... No really, they did!!! 2008 Champions!!!

The Soul Release Championship Apparel (Reminder)

The Philadelphia Soul, 2008 Arena football ball club Champions, have released new apparel reminding the city that they were the first team to win a title in the past 25 years. T-shirts, sweat-shirts, dog shirts, shirt shirts, and Zubaz pants are available at cafe-press for $20, each adorned with the playful catch phrase "Uh... We Already Has?" All proceeds from sales will be donated to the H.A.A. or "Hair Across Africa" organization, a group created by Soul owner and musician Jon Bon Jovi. H.A.A. helps malnourished and dying African children get really amazing 80's hair cuts.

Phillies Receive Much Coveted Tony The Tiger Endorsement

A number of celebrities have been seen in Philadelphia during this year's World Series including country music stars Taylor Swift and Tim McGraw and hometown NBA star Rasheed Wallace. But many were stunned Monday night when Frosted Flakes pitchman Tony the Tiger was seen on the Broad Street subway donning a Phillies jersey.

"If you've ever seen our commercials you know I'm a big sports fan," said the Tiger. "I'm not necessarily a Phillies fan per se, but I'm a huge fan of Jimmy Rrrrrrrrrrollins. Sorry, that's a tick I have."

A recent Phunyun/New York Times survey found that the cereal advertising world was essentially split down the middle in the World Series support. However, Barney Rubble later told The Phunyun he was only rooting for the Phillies to try to steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles.

Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.

Phillies Call In Bejing Olympic Weather Modification Team to Halt Downpour...

A select team of 30 members of the Bureau of Weather Modification, one of the largest organizations in the world, touched down at Philadelphia International Airport early this morning with one thing on their mind: STOP THAT RAIN. The BWM's spokeperson, Wang Cheung, states, "We received a carr rate rast night from the Phiraderphia Phirries, asking us to herp hart the incrimate weather that is currentry hitting the city." When asked why he was talking this way, Cheung did three backflips and disappeared. This team, part of the 37,000 member army that the BWM has become, is called into action whenever parts of the world are struck by an unusual drought. But much like they did in Bejing for the 2008 Olympics, they are now being called upon to stop the rain from falling over a particular geographical region, that being Citizen's Bank Park.

A translator for lead BWM weapons specialist, General Kara Teechop shared, "We basically shoot various items up into the clouds, like silver iodide, salts, dry ice, Craisins, and rubber bands." This form of "rain mitigation" helped open a small window of perfect weather for the Chinese games, keeping the patrons inside the Birds Nest in downtown Bejing high and dry. When asked if he was concerned that perhaps this process could cause a drought in the Philadelphia region for a prolonged amount of time, Mayor Nutter stated, "I'd trade an agricultural drought for a championship drought anyday."

Religious Group Proclaims "God Hates Phils"

Game five of the 2008 World Series was postponed after heavy rain fell on the Philadelphia area last night, and with more rain in the forecast on Tuesday it's unclear when the game will resume. While many continue to blame Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig for the decision, another culprit is emerging - God.

The Westboro Baptist Church has become infamous for their condemnation of homosexuality and for protesting at the funerals of fallen American soldiers. Last night, members of the church were seen protesting outside of Citizens Bank Park claiming there was no way God would allow the city of Philadelphia to celebrate a championship.

Armed with signs reading "God Hates Phils," "Blame It On The Rain" and "We'd Say You're Going To Hell, But You're Already In Philadelphia," the group expressed what they believe to be God's hatred toward Philadelphia sports franchises. The group's leader, Reverend Fred Phelps seemed to predict a rainfall early in the evening.

"And it will come to pass that after four games a flood shall fall on the city," said Phelps. "And two by two they shall exit the park, dissatisfied with the result, cursing the name Bud Selig."

It is unclear if Phelps' church will protest outside of game five when it resumes either tonight or tomorrow. "We've got a lot of people to offend," said Phelps. "So I don't know if we can stick around this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah."