Septa Announces "What The Fuck Did You Expect Really?"

Friday's Phillies championship parade drew such a crowd into Philadelphia that the city's public transportation system suspended service into the city at 1 p.m. leaving thousands of fans unable to reach the parade. This is just one part of SEPTA's ongoing "We Really Just Don't Give A Shit" campaign.

Early estimates say Friday's Phillies championship parade drew over two million people into the city from 20th and Market to the stadium complex in South Philly. Because of the huge crowd, and the urging of Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter, many decided to take SEPTA, Philadelphia's public transportation system. But by midday they had cancelled all inbound service to the city so trains would be available to bring people home after the parade.

"The option was really to either add more trains to alleviate the congestion, or just give up," said SEPTA spokesperson Dee Ouchebag. "So we just stopped running the trains inbound because we really just don't give a shit."

As it turned out, SEPTA's hard work getting trains back to Philadelphia worked well as thousands of people were left stranded, some waiting more than three hours for trains heading to the suburbs.

"I live in the suburbs, we don't take the goddamn train out there, we drive," said first time SEPTA rider Rico Savage. "I've been standing [at Suburban Station] for two hours now, I'm never using SEPTA again."

Ouchebag said SEPTA has been getting thousands of reactions like that all day.

"And that's basically what we're looking for at SEPTA," said Ouchebag. "This was our moment to really show people what we were all about and I think now everyone in the Philadelphia region, and hopefully the world, know we really just don't give a shit."

UPDATE: William Penn Statue Torn Down, Fans Proclaim "The Curse Is Overthrown"

Today at approximately 10 a.m., a number of unidentified Philadelphia sports fans were able hijack a FOX-29 helicopter and removed the William Penn statue which once stood above City Hall. The statue, once the icon for the so-called "William Penn Curse" which kept Philadelphia sports teams from winning a championship, was ripped from it's base and then dropped 12 stories to the City Hall concourse.

A large group of revelers who were still celebrating after Wednesday night's World Series victory, gathered around the remains of the statue to take out 28 years of frustration on the William Penn likeness, beating it with hammers, shoes and stale Amoroso rolls.

"We overthrew the curse!" screamed Center City resident Adam Eneav. "William Penn is finally dead!"

When asked about the William Penn incident in a press conference this afternoon, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter said the city will not take the actions lightly.

"That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted," said Nutter. "You can celebrate, but you cannot be a jackass."

Philadelphia Residents Take Out 25 Years of Frustration on William Penn Statue

The William Penn statue, sitting atop Philadelphia's City Hall has long been rumored to be the cause of the city's sports failures. But with Wednesday night's World Series win by the Phillies a select number of fans are making sure the curse is dead for good by tearing down the iconic structure.

Following celebrations that went into the early hours of Thursday an unidentified number of assailants gained access to a FOX-29 helicopter with the intention of removing the William Penn statue from it's perch. By 8:30 a.m. the perpetrators were hovering above City Hall, had fastened a harness around the statue and were attempting to remove the statue from it's moorings.

The Phunyun was able to conduct a brief phone interview with a member of group who asked to remain anonymous and said he wanted to make sure other didn't have to suffer as long as he did.

"Look, I'm 30 and I don't remember 1980 or '83 and I don't want my kids or my kids' kids to have to wait their entire lives to see a championship," said the group's leader. "Not that I have kids, or even want them. I mean I can't take care of myself barely, I'm stealing helicopters for fuck's sake. Shit, I'm thinking maybe this wasn't a good idea now that I'm sobering up."

The group has gained some followers who agree William Penn was the source of their sports misery for the past 25 years. Justin Eyem said he would like to take out his frustrations on the statute.

"I've been waiting my whole life for a championship," said Eyem. "If that statue was in front of me right now I would probably beat the shit out of it."

The group hopes to have the statue fully removed later this morning. In a surprising move the city has yet to stop the statue's removal and Mayor Nutter's office was unavailable for comment by press time.

PHILS WIN THE WORLD SERIES OF BASEBALL GAMING...

... No really, they did!!! 2008 Champions!!!

The Soul Release Championship Apparel (Reminder)

The Philadelphia Soul, 2008 Arena football ball club Champions, have released new apparel reminding the city that they were the first team to win a title in the past 25 years. T-shirts, sweat-shirts, dog shirts, shirt shirts, and Zubaz pants are available at cafe-press for $20, each adorned with the playful catch phrase "Uh... We Already Has?" All proceeds from sales will be donated to the H.A.A. or "Hair Across Africa" organization, a group created by Soul owner and musician Jon Bon Jovi. H.A.A. helps malnourished and dying African children get really amazing 80's hair cuts.

Phillies Receive Much Coveted Tony The Tiger Endorsement

A number of celebrities have been seen in Philadelphia during this year's World Series including country music stars Taylor Swift and Tim McGraw and hometown NBA star Rasheed Wallace. But many were stunned Monday night when Frosted Flakes pitchman Tony the Tiger was seen on the Broad Street subway donning a Phillies jersey.

"If you've ever seen our commercials you know I'm a big sports fan," said the Tiger. "I'm not necessarily a Phillies fan per se, but I'm a huge fan of Jimmy Rrrrrrrrrrollins. Sorry, that's a tick I have."

A recent Phunyun/New York Times survey found that the cereal advertising world was essentially split down the middle in the World Series support. However, Barney Rubble later told The Phunyun he was only rooting for the Phillies to try to steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles.

Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.