Philadelphia Zoo Unveils Newest Attraction: Walrus Imitates Andy Reid!

(photo via Scoop Ketchems, AP)

Just in time for the start of the 2008-09 football season, the Philadelphia Zoo plans to unveil it's newest attraction, an Andy Reid impersonating walrus. Now before you go calling the SPCA, you must realize that this is not your ordinary case of animal exploitation. One day, a zoo patron wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat got too close to the edge of one of the aquatic tanks. A gust of wind lifted the cap off the upset zoo-goer and dropped it down into the water. The inhabitant of the tank, a walrus who the employees now call "Big Red" swam up and under that hat and has been wearing it ever since.

Albert Robards, head custodial engineer of the aquatic mammal division at the zoo states, "He absolutely loves the attention. At first we just joked that he looked like Coach Reid in the hat, but he completely embraced the roll." Apparently, many of the zoo-workers gather round a television on Sundays and watch the game, and now they have a rather unlikely guest. "We've taught him to do the throat clear, and we had an outside clothier create the huge black jacket and phony head-set."

And for the grand finale? "At the end of the game, he slides up on the land platform in his tank and gets behind a make shift podium with a microphone." After weeks of training and practice, the walrus has learned how to bark out something that slightly resembles Coach Reid's signature catch phrase: The time is yours.

If you were wondering where the similarities between Reid and his long tusked counterpart end, look no further than their records in the big game. Cynthia Altair, head of public relations states, "We started this promotional contest across the U.S. called the Zoo-per Bowl, where select groups of animals from major cities compete for a trophy. This year, B.R. coached his team of trained seals to a victory over some animals from the Franklin Park zoo in New England."

When I reminded Ms. Altair that Andy Reid had in fact won a Super Bowl ring, she was quick to correct me. "He wasn't the head coach on that one. Plus, it wasn't in Philly... and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters."

BREAKING: Among Ads For Transvestite Sex & Condos, Philadelphia Weekly Has 17 Pages Of Content

In a move that may mark a change in the Philadelphia alternative-weekly scene, Philadelphia Weekly, one of the two alt-weekly newspapers distributed in the Philadelphia area, set a record with their latest issue by placing 17 pages of original content in the 88 page paper.

PW editor Tim Whitaker says the 19 percent of original content in their latest issue is simply a one-time error, and does not mark a change in editorial style for the publication.

"We try to really keep the original content down to about 10 to 15 percent for each issue, but we had a couple of problems this week with our sex ... I mean 'adult' ads not making it by deadline," said Whitaker. "I really want to apologize to anyone who was looking for more 'T/S,' 'entertainment' or 'massage' ads."

Brian Howard, editor-in-chief of the Philadelphia City Paper said he's taking PW's move as an act of war.

"There has really always been an unwritten rule in this city that you filled your paper with ads for bars, and adult phone lines, and Asian massage parlors and maybe one or two feature stories that ran three pages," said Howard. "But to have your paper with 19 percent original content, that's absurd, they've really thrown down the gauntlet."

However local readers didn't seem to notice much of a difference in the additional content of Philadelphia Weekly. 16-year-old Josh Mayo said he doesn't even pick up PW to read any of the ads.

"Me and my sister have to share a computer, so it's kinda hard for me to get spank material," he said. "So, usually I just take the adult section in the bathroom and have at it, so I don't care about articles and stuff.

U.S./Russia/Georgia Conflict Prompts Video Rentals of Rocky IV to Jump 200%

Gathered consumer data from both NetFlix and Blockbuster Online Video Rental outlets shows the rental of the 1985 Cold War classic, Rocky IV, has increased almost 200% in light of recent world developments. The movie depicts fictitious Philadelphia boxer, Rocky Balboa's attempt to avenge the death of his former opponent and current best friend, Apollo Creed, at the hands of an unbeatable Russian boxer, Ivan Drago. The fourth and most financially successful Rocky film is currently at the top of over 87% of the queues of Netflix users.

Brian O'Brien, night manager of West Coast Video on South 15th St. in Center City believes that the increase has much to do with the U.S.'s recent stand on the Russian invasion of Georgia. "Aside from the Nazis who no longer exist, there's no greater villain for the American public than the Russians." After being bitter rivals during the Cold War, animosity between Russia and the U.S. plateaued over the last decade. Recently, Hollywood has begun to rekindle the flame with well known American heroes like Indiana Jones taking on the dreaded "Red Army" in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

O'Brien also believes that healthy Olympic competition (NBC 8pm) has helped spur the Rocky IV revival across most of the country. What about locally, particularly focusing on the Eastern half of Pennsylvania, we ask? "Everyone already owns it," states the precocious WCV employee. "If they don't have it on DVD, they have it on VHS. If they don't have it on VHS, they'll watch it on cable. They've got the toys, the soundtracks, the bed sheets, and a statue out in front of the art museum."

Councilmen Hope To Ban "Talking," Everything Else, In Cars

If two City Council members have their way, motorists in Philadelphia will have to drastically change their habits in their cars as they will be prohibited from doing anything that isn't strictly "driving related" such as talking, changing the radio station or adjusting the temperature in the car.

Philadelphia City Council members Bill Orange and Bill Orangechen are drafting a bill that would ban all non-driving related activities in cars traveling in the Philadelphia city limits. The councilmen expect to introduce the bill when City Council returns from summer break on Sept. 18.

Although the final draft of the bill is not yet available, The Phunyun was able to obtain an early form of the bill. While the bill initially started as a ban of hand-held cell phones, texting and Web surfing, it has since grown to include activities like "talking," "regulating radio functions," "adjusting temperature controls" and "using navigation devices." Councilman Orange said the bill is a step to increase the driving safety in the city.

"You hear a lot about the people getting in accidents because they're talking on the phone, but what about the people who are just talking to a passenger, or changing the station or turning on the air conditioning," said Orange. "Look, we're not saying you can't listen to the radio, just pick a station before you remove your car from park."

Word of the new bill has angered many motorists in the area who say the expectations are just too large. Steven Jenkins, who lives in Montgomery County but commutes to Philadelphia during the week says if the bill is enacted, he will ignore it.

"There's no way I'm following that law, there's just no way," said Jenkins. "Say I'm listing to 610 [WIP-AM] on my way out of the city and it's like 2:59 and I forget Eskin comes on at 3. You're telling me I have to sit through that [crap] for my hour ride home?"

If the bill passes through council, it would take effect January 1, 2009.

BREAKING NEWS: Tell All Book says, "Merrill Reese is a Hand-Puppet."

A newly published book that focuses on exposing the secrets of local sportscasters has hit national store shelves. Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed is a blistering literary attack on some of the most famous Philadelphia sports personalities, including the Eagles' own Merrill Reese. According to author Tabor Jansens, Reese is in fact a hand puppet in one of the world's most sophisticated ventriloquist acts, operated by none other than partner and five time Pro-Bowl receiver, Mike Quick.

Tabor goes on to say that shortly after leaving the game, Quick honed his puppetry skills in a Vaudevillian review somewhere in the Italian Market. It was here that he ran into a young Jim Henson who was test screening his own puppets in a new show called Sesame Street. The two collaborated to create the first iteration of Reese, consisting of a large crew sock, black marker, and glue-on "googily eyes." Over the years, the Jim Henson Creature Shop has implemented advancements in technology to make a more realistic puppet that Quick can use in personal appearances and television broadcasts.

For more secrets involving other notable Philly sportscasters, click after the jump.

More...

• Mark Zumoff from the Sixers is actually blind.

• Jim Jackson of the Flyers telecast, cannot wear pants. He has a medical condition involving sensitive skin that can result in extreme chaffing when coming in contact with fabrics. Whenever the case calls for Jackson to appear on television, he is shot from the waste down, or the pants are added in post production using CGI.

• Hall of Fame Phillies play by play announcer, Harry Kalas, gargles horse semen before every broadcast. While his face and body make him look like he's 100 years old, the concoction which is derived from champion race horses by fertility scientists, helps to keep his vocal chords and world famous delivery of "Outta here..." healthy and young. The book does not confirm if Kalas swallows.

Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed by Tabor Jansens retails for $19.99 and is available exclusively at Borders.

Citing Success of Pollution-ridden Beijing, Marcus Hook Awarded 2012 Summer Games

The International Olympic Committee entered the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, China with much trepidation because of the concerns over pollution and smog that might effect the views of the games and potentially effect the health of the athletes. But the success of the XXIX Olympiad has caused the IOC to rethink the future venues of the summer games and in a surprising move announced the decision to change the 2012 games from its original host city of London, to the Philadelphia suburb of Marcus Hook.

IOC President Jacques Rogge said the decision to move the 2012 games to Marcus Hook was based mostly on the television ratings for the Beijing games.

"The American audience is tuning in in droves on NBC and over half of the UK population watched the opening ceremonies," said Rogge. "And we think a lot of that has to do with the pollution and people's interest in how that would effect the games."

The change of venues by the IOC is stunning for a number of reasons. First, with only about 2,000 residents, Marcus Hook is not even a city and does not have the infrastructure at the moment to host the games. But maybe most surprising is Marcus Hook did not even inquire about hosting the games. Mayor George McClure said he is as surprised as any to hear that his borough will be at the center of the world's attention in just four years.

"I got the phone call late Friday night that they were interested in moving the games here and I said to the guy, 'I think you got the wrong number,'" said McClure. "But they really wanted to have the Summer Olympics here. Not sure where the hell we're going to put everything though."

While the new soccer stadium planned for the nearby city of Chester may help with the number of venues needed for the borough, McClure says figuring out where to hold many of the events is going to be a problem.

"I'm thinking for the swimming stuff we can just have 'em do laps in the Delaware [River]," he said. "I'm gonna have someone buy some of those noodles you have in the pool and we'll just string 'em together and there's your lanes. Hopefully there's no leaks from the refinery or something. Ha! Try swimming in that Phelps."

Michael Phelps Calls Americans 'Front Runners' For Only Following Swimming Every Four Years

In an interview with muckraking sports program Best Damn Sports Show Period, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps called Americans "front runners" for only following Olympic sports every four years.

On Thursday night's episode of the FOX Sports show Phelps, who has won five gold medals and set five world records at this year's Summer Games, told the hosts he felt, for some reason, the United States public only seems to support swimming every four years when athletes from all over the world gather in one place to compete in their respective sports.

"There are times, ya know it's like, one of those countries they, ya know ... I might catch some flak for this - they're front-runners," said Phelps "When you're doing good, they're on your side. When you're doing bad they're completely against you."

Phelps compared his situation with that of the the swimmer who came in behind him, winning the silver medal in the 200m butterfly and 400m individual medley in this year's games.

"For example, Laszlo [Cseh]'s from Hungary. Ya know, Hungary, it seems like, they support their team. They're out there ... and they're encouraging. In The U.S., you can't be no punk," he said.

Phelps' remarks have set off a firestorm among sports fans in the U.S. who argue that the Olympics only happen every four years and wouldn't know how to follow the sports beyond that time frame even if they wanted to.

However, some sports figures in the United States have stood behind Phelps' remarks. Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins said Phelps was completely right about front running fans.

"If he lived in Philly he'd really see how bad it was," said Rollins. "Try swimming laps with guys chanting E-A-G-L-E-S the entire time."

Rollins' teammate Ryan Howard responded by saying, "Uhhhhh ...."