Lab Results for "Dark Spot" on Blanton's Cap Are In...

Tampa Bay Ray's Manager and local Hazelton god, Joe Maddon, asked MLB officials to confiscate Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton's baseball cap immediately after last night's Game 4 of the World Series. Blanton pitched well through 7 innings and seemed to confound the majority of the Rays' hitters. During the third inning, Maddon's brother John called Joe on his personal cell phone and exclaimed that due to his Hi-Def feed and 1080 i flat screen television, he could see a mysterious substance on Blanton's brim. The hat was bagged and sent to a third party laboratory, where technicians worked through the night to discover the molecular makeup of the spot and test it for any possible illegal substance. The results were delivered to MLB commissioner Bud Selig's hotel room this morning via Liberties Parcel. He states, "Aside from the results being revoltingly disgusting, there were no illegal substances found and I absolve both Joe Blanton and the Phillies organization of any wrong doing." A piece by piece break down of the lab results follows just below..

Shane Victorino's Little Brother Arrested by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

The Phillies extended family has received yet another blow in the days leading up to their first World Series appearence since 1993. Just days after head coach Charlie Manuel lost his mother, Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino received word that his little brother, Mau-hulo, had been apprehended by television star and bounty hunter, Duane Champman. Mau-hulo Victorino was sought after repeatedly missing court appearances before Hawaiin judges and was handed over to authorities by Dog and company early this morning. The world's most famous hunter of men said, "He's a good kid that just went in the wrong direction. He's going to jail, but things could be worse... he could be dating a black girl."

As if Victorino didn't have enough to worry about with the impending series, Shane must attend the funeral of his grandmother who just recently passed away. When asked if this would affect his performance on the field, Victorino stated, "No questions asked," before boarding a plane for his home island of Maui.

BREAKING NEWS: Tell All Book says, "Merrill Reese is a Hand-Puppet."

A newly published book that focuses on exposing the secrets of local sportscasters has hit national store shelves. Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed is a blistering literary attack on some of the most famous Philadelphia sports personalities, including the Eagles' own Merrill Reese. According to author Tabor Jansens, Reese is in fact a hand puppet in one of the world's most sophisticated ventriloquist acts, operated by none other than partner and five time Pro-Bowl receiver, Mike Quick.

Tabor goes on to say that shortly after leaving the game, Quick honed his puppetry skills in a Vaudevillian review somewhere in the Italian Market. It was here that he ran into a young Jim Henson who was test screening his own puppets in a new show called Sesame Street. The two collaborated to create the first iteration of Reese, consisting of a large crew sock, black marker, and glue-on "googily eyes." Over the years, the Jim Henson Creature Shop has implemented advancements in technology to make a more realistic puppet that Quick can use in personal appearances and television broadcasts.

For more secrets involving other notable Philly sportscasters, click after the jump.

More...

• Mark Zumoff from the Sixers is actually blind.

• Jim Jackson of the Flyers telecast, cannot wear pants. He has a medical condition involving sensitive skin that can result in extreme chaffing when coming in contact with fabrics. Whenever the case calls for Jackson to appear on television, he is shot from the waste down, or the pants are added in post production using CGI.

• Hall of Fame Phillies play by play announcer, Harry Kalas, gargles horse semen before every broadcast. While his face and body make him look like he's 100 years old, the concoction which is derived from champion race horses by fertility scientists, helps to keep his vocal chords and world famous delivery of "Outta here..." healthy and young. The book does not confirm if Kalas swallows.

Play by Play: Philly Commentators Exposed by Tabor Jansens retails for $19.99 and is available exclusively at Borders.