Philadelphia Soul Celebrates Championship With A Group Of Persons, Vehicles, Or Objects Moving Along In An Orderly, Formal Manner

Philadelphia has not seen a championship parade since the 76ers won the NBA title in 1983. But after the Philadelphia Soul captured the Arena League Championship at Arena Bowl XXII it was assumed by many the city would once again have a ticker-tape parade down Broad Street. Yea, not so much.

In lieu of a "parade," the team instead had a "procession" from 6th and Market to Dilworth Plaza at 16th St. and JFK Boulevard and proclaimed today Philadelphia Soul Day. The events were lost on many Philadelphia residents who witnessed the parade procession as they walked down Market Street.

"I don't even know what a Philadelphia Soul is," said Sharif Taylor of Mount Airy, on his way to Suburban Station. "Philadelphia Soul Day? I don't know about that, it's just Thursday for me."

Turnout along the parade procession route was sparse although some Soul faithful did show up for the parade's procession's end at Dilworth Plaza. Margaret Collins has been following the Soul since they began play in 2004 and said there was no way she would miss this event.

"I don't know a thing about football, who cares really, but I've been Jon Bon Jovi's biggest fan since 1982," she said. "He even signed my breast, look I got it tattooed."

Although it was rumored Bon Jovi would perform at today's event, the co-owner of the team did not give the tens of people in attendance a concert. Other things that did not happen include people caring and people saying "this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me."

Uarts Students Ask, "What is Love?"

The Love Park sculpture designed by artist Robert Indiana was first placed in the plaza near City Hall in 1976 as part of the Bicentennial celebration. Aside from being temporarily removed in 1978 and then permanently placed back at the site, the sculpture has gone virtually undisturbed. Until now that is.

Students from the University of the Arts in Center City, under the tutelage of Multimedia Director Chris Garvin, have created an installation within the base of the world famous sculpture. Their Multimedia program was established in 1997, and teaches students to make art using "many medias", which include iconic iconography and small text.

Garvin, with his iMac blue eyes shining brightly, stated, "Initially, the plan was to have this open space in front of the sculpture covered in sensors, you know... and various park go-ers could control the height and shape of the water in the fountain, depending on how fast and in what direction they moved their body. It would be like, a liquid extension of the human form, set in an urban and public domain."

The final installation went in a different direction, consisting of an I-River MP3 player connected to a set of JBL speakers within the silver shape that holds up the sculpture. Visitors to the park, using a USB cord, can upload songs from their personal music devices, if and only if the word "LOVE" is contained within the song's title or its lyrics.

The water within the fountain that serves as a backdrop to the installation has been dyed yellow as well. A Uarts senior was quick to point out that it is in fact dyed hexadecimal #FFFFOO. Currently, the only song uploaded and playing on an endless loop was "What is Love" by Haddaway.

The installation is officially on display until its stolen by the homeless..

Rittenhouse Homeless Disappear, Are Delicious

Philadelphia residents who frequent Rittenhouse Square have recently noticed a drop in the amount of homeless residing in the area and sleeping on various park benches. The city attributes the drop in more frequent patrolling of the area by police, but a Phunyun investigative report finds that the drop in homeless may have a more sinister explanation.

Until recently, an early morning stroll around Rittenhouse Square would find upwards of 30 homeless men and women sleeping on benches and bathing in a fountain. But that same stroll on Tuesday found only a handful of Philadelphia's homeless could be found, and the ones that remained admit they are scared of what's happening.

"It's like everyone's just disappearing, which is kind of good 'cause plenty of benches for me," said "John" a 34-year-old homeless man originally from Boise, Idaho.

But a 2 hour investigation by The Phunyun has discovered that the homeless may indeed be disappearing ... into the bellies of Philadelphia's hungry elite.

Just two weeks ago Steven Starr opened his most recent Philadelphia restaurant, Parc, in Rittenhouse Square, an opening that coincides with the disappearance of Rittenhouse Square's homeless. A source close to the restaurant's opening who requested anonymity says rising food prices have caused the Starr restaurant to seek food sources elsewhere.

"When you've got meat prices as high as they are it's time to look a little outside the box," said the source. "And so maybe a homeless person disappears and ends up on someone's dinner plate, so what?"

Last night Parc was packed as usual and a quick scan of the restaurant's menu found one odd and very popular item: Soy Lent with Greens. Parc Maitre De, Shawn Christopher, said it's an item the restaurant can barely keep on hand.

"I've never seen anything like it anywhere else I've worked, usually by around 9 o'clock we're all out of it," said Christopher. "I don't know what it is exactly but it's delish and you can say Soy Lent with Greens is people ... I mean popular."

Steven Starr could not be reached for comment at press time.

Skate-boarder Style May Hurt, In the Pants

Men... Men... Men. There's nothing I like seeing more than a hot male doing his thing in the tightest clothes possible. Within the skating and rocking community, the tight legged, tight butt'd, well... tight everything pant/jean has been all the rage. And who am I to complain? Well I'm Alessa the Great, and complaining is what I do best, child.

There's a reason the good lord made your "equipment" hang lower than the rest of your body. I have a very diverse understanding of the male anatomy, and it didn't take a google search or a wiki-what-have-you to realize that you're killing the future. Sure you look great in those pants, flipping your board this way and that. And far be it from me to haggle over the fact that I personally couldn't fit my arm in one of your pant legs, let alone the rest of what God gave me below the belt.

I propose that we use the comment section of this very post to help brainstorm and find a solution to hipster pant related infertility.

McNabb Allergic to Racism

Today at training camp in Lehigh, Philadelphia Quarterback leader Donovan McNabb was motor carted off the football playing area after having an allergic reaction to racism. McNabb, now in his tenth year, lead the half of the team that scores offense onto the field and started a football drive. After receiving the snap from center, the number five went back to make a football pass to his wide receiver, R. Brown. The ball went right through the arm hands of Brown, and immediately the crowd began to "boo." Shortly thereafter, McNabb began to have his allergic reaction.

Team doctors say symptoms included dry heaving, retching, with eventual vomiting and the inability to complete a short football pass. Head coach Andy Reid addressed the media shortly after practice and said, "We had to take Donovan out there... just as a precaution there. We'll re-examine him tomorrow. The time is yours."

Tight-ends: Highlights of the day's activities included one particular football play where a player grabbed the ball and began to speed run down the white line on the side of the field. He was tackle hit by another player and made a fumble....Also, the players' uniforms are clean, fit well and look very good....The Eagles start the pre-season season on Aug. 9th in Pittsburgh.

Daily News Dredging The Bottom Of The Barrell For Philly's Sexy Singles

The Philadelphia Daily News began their annual Sexy Singles search, but after years of searching they seem to be coming up short in their nominations for the region's most attractive and eligible singles.

Daily News section editor Karyn Peters says the city's reputation for having some of the most unattractive people in the country has finally caught up with the paper.

"We've been doing this for a couple of years now and it just seems like it gets harder and harder to find sexy singles because, well to be honest the people here are pretty fugly," said Peters.

Peters is not the only one saying the city is suffering from a hottie shortage, last year a Travel + Leisure poll found Philadelphia was home to the least attractive people in the country. Combine that with the city's former standing as the fattest city in the nation and it doesn't leave many "sexy" singles to choose from.

"I say good luck to the Daily News because I'm thinking about importing people from other cities for my clients," said Phyllis Seinfeld, owner of Phind Phorever inPhatuation a Philadelphia-based matchmaking firm. "Go outside right now and find someone who's attractive and single in this city, I dare you."

To combat the problem, Peters said the Daily News decided to lower the bar a bit for this year's competition, even opening it up to people currently in relationships.

"I guess you can say 'single' is a relative term especially when it comes to this," said Peters. "But we told people, 'if your significant other sees you in our paper don't come blaming us.'"

But some see the shortage of attractive people as a boon to them. New sexy single nominee and current Phunyun entertainment reporter Rico Savage said he thinks his nomination will finally get him some attention from the opposite sex.

"I think a lot of women see me and they're either intimidated or they think a hot guy like me must have a chick already or something," said Savage. "So this basically is just an advertisement that says, "Yo! I'm single, let's rock!"

The Daily News' list of "sexy" "singles" will continue all this week.

Anti-Straw Purchase Campaign Misses Mark

A recent television ad campaign starring Philadelphia District Attorney Lynne Abraham targets those individuals involved in straw purchases of handguns. In this scenario, a person who cannot purchase a weapon due to their ineligibility gets a proxy buyer to acquire the gun. The commercial states that the D.A. will prosecute any buyer of handguns that are used in crimes and homicides as if they were the ones who pulled the trigger. The campaign has been in heavy rotation for approximately a month and begs the question: is it actually working?

Authorities say that gun traffickers are targeting Pennsylvania, where a straw purchase can net a drug dealer a handgun in a half an hour. In New Jersey and New York, the process takes up to 3 weeks. Assistant District Attorney Albert Toczydlowski says the recent task force created in Pennsylvania is making 10 arrests a month, only a small fraction of actual offenders. In this respect, the anti-straw purchase campaign has been a complete failure.

Where the commercial seems to have had the most impact was on the sale of actual straws or drinking aides, including bendy, crazy, and traditional versions. The Straw Factory in Kensington, Pa. reported a drop of 75% in business from last year and five hundred layoffs as of June 2008.