Lab Results for "Dark Spot" on Blanton's Cap Are In...

Tampa Bay Ray's Manager and local Hazelton god, Joe Maddon, asked MLB officials to confiscate Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton's baseball cap immediately after last night's Game 4 of the World Series. Blanton pitched well through 7 innings and seemed to confound the majority of the Rays' hitters. During the third inning, Maddon's brother John called Joe on his personal cell phone and exclaimed that due to his Hi-Def feed and 1080 i flat screen television, he could see a mysterious substance on Blanton's brim. The hat was bagged and sent to a third party laboratory, where technicians worked through the night to discover the molecular makeup of the spot and test it for any possible illegal substance. The results were delivered to MLB commissioner Bud Selig's hotel room this morning via Liberties Parcel. He states, "Aside from the results being revoltingly disgusting, there were no illegal substances found and I absolve both Joe Blanton and the Phillies organization of any wrong doing." A piece by piece break down of the lab results follows just below..

Pete Rose Reinstated By MLB, Playing Under Various Phillies Aliases

During last night's Phillies/Nationals game, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley, who was at third base, took off for home when Washington pitcher John Lannan attempted a pick off at first base. Utley was tagged out at home, but not before sending Nationals catcher Jesus Flores to the hospital with a sprained ankle. Now, in a photo of the play obtained by The Phunyun, it appears the player racing home was not Utley, but former Phillie Pete Rose.

Last night marked the third time this season a Phillies player attempted to take out an opposing team's catcher. Earlier this season Eric Bruntlet gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a concussion and in July, Shane Victorino ran over Braves catcher Brian McCann. But an investigation by The Phunyun shows these plays, and the Utley play last evening, were actually the work of Pete Rose, who in 1989 was banned from baseball.

Sources from within Major League Baseball confirm that a plan was devised in May to allow Rose to return to the game, first by assuming the role of other players. The MLB hired famed Hollywood make-up artist Terri Simon to make Rose look like a number of Phillies players throughout the season. Each of the plays in question are eerily similar to the infamous "Ray Fosse incident" Rose was involved in in 1970.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel refused to confirm that Rose was playing for his team, but he did say, "Pete Rose ain't never worn no lipstick or rouge, I'll tell ya that."

Spokespeople for the Braves, Cardinals and Nationals each said they are considering disputing the games in which Rose was involved.