Phillies Choose Other Christopher Walken SNL Skit to Combat Rays' "More Cowbell"

One of the images and sounds that has become synonymous with the 2008 Major League Baseball playoffs has been Tampa Rays fans ringing cowbells and holding up signs reading "More Cowbell," a reference to a 2000 Saturday Night Live skit starring Christopher Walken. In an effort to combat this, the Philadelphia Phillies are asking fans to chant "wowee-wow-wow-wow" during the World Series.

John Brazer, director of publicity for the Phillies says "wowee-wow-wow-wow" gives fans who might not know the difference between a fair ball and a fair catch a reason to cheer.

"Let's be honest, by the time you're in the World Series, a lot of the people at the ballpark are just there because it's the cool place to be," said Brazer. "But as we saw in Tampa, where people clearly know and care nothing about baseball, a line from a Saturday Night Live skit can excite people who don't even know what baseball is."

The "wowee-wow-wow-wow" line comes from a recurring skit on SNL called The Continental starring Christopher Walken. Brazer says The Continental skit was chosen because of the popularity of Walken in the Cowbell skit, but also because The Continental had a longer track record.

"I mean you've got The Continental that appeared on SNL six times. Six Times!" said Brazer. "That Cowbell sketch only ran once and really it's Will Ferrell that makes that sketch funny."

As of press time it was unclear how the Phillies plan on implementing "wowee-wow-wow-wow" into the games at Citizens Bank Park, but they expect it to rank high in sports meme lure.

"It's going to rank up there with Rally Monkey for the Angels and the Tomahawk Chop for the Braves and Gino for the Celtics," said Brazer. "It'll be pretty huge."

Shane Victorino's Little Brother Arrested by Dog the Bounty Hunter.

The Phillies extended family has received yet another blow in the days leading up to their first World Series appearence since 1993. Just days after head coach Charlie Manuel lost his mother, Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino received word that his little brother, Mau-hulo, had been apprehended by television star and bounty hunter, Duane Champman. Mau-hulo Victorino was sought after repeatedly missing court appearances before Hawaiin judges and was handed over to authorities by Dog and company early this morning. The world's most famous hunter of men said, "He's a good kid that just went in the wrong direction. He's going to jail, but things could be worse... he could be dating a black girl."

As if Victorino didn't have enough to worry about with the impending series, Shane must attend the funeral of his grandmother who just recently passed away. When asked if this would affect his performance on the field, Victorino stated, "No questions asked," before boarding a plane for his home island of Maui.

Republicans Crowd Philadelphia Streets After Third Presidential Debate

A sea of red filled the streets all over the Philadelphia region last night shortly after the end of the third Presidential debate aired last night. Although most news outlets called the debate a win for Barack Obama, the throng of Republican-red worn by those in the crowd seemed to show Philadelphians' support for John McCain.

This kind of spontaneous outpouring of support for a political candidate is virtually unheard of  and typically reserved for sporting events. But last night, about 45 minutes after the end of last night's Presidential debate in Hempstead, New York, thousands of McCain supporters filled streets, emptied bars and began honking car horns. Although some chants from the fans were inaudible, a clear "We won!" could be heard repeatedly from fans who believed McCain won the debate.

When asked what he thought of the night's events, Mike Hunt of Mayfair said, "Fuck the dodgers," a clear sign that he felt Barack Obama had dodged questions in the night's debate.

MLB Tells Myers To Cover Ridiculous Facial Hair Before Tonight's Game

In his previous start last week again the Florida Marlins, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers was forced to cover his ugly, out-dated, white-trash tribal tattoo on his left wrist when it was deemed distracting to opposing batters. But Atlanta skipper Bobby Cox raised the bar in gamesmanship this week by asking Major League Baseball to not only force Myers to cover the tattoo, but to also cover his ridiculous facial hair when he pitches against Braves tonight.

"It's just them trying to get in my head," said Myers, who refused to shave his chin vagina and will instead wear a chin strap designed for people with sleeping disorders. "They can't get in my head, people have been trying to get in my head for years - fans, managers, pitching coaches, my wife - ain't gonna happen."

Braves catcher Brian McCann said there is validity to the distraction caused by the bush on Myers' chin. "You're up at the plate and you see this weird orange, redish thing hanging from his face and there's no way you can pay attention to the ball," said McCann. "I mean, all he does is throw fastballs so it shouldn't be that hard, but that Goddamn soul patch takes you out of your game."

But Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said it's just a feeble attempt to psych out the team. "You know, it's like, why would they ... you know, why would they be distracted? It's like, you know ... well first of all, I think, it's like ..."

Not effected by the facial hair ban is Phillies right fielder Jayson Werth, who will be allowed to patrol the outfield with his chin landing strip.

Lindros Cleared of All Charges in Friend's Mother's Death

Former Philadelphia Flyer Hockey Puck captain, Eric Lindros has been cleared of any involvement in the death of his close friend's mother. The investigation ended when the coroner's report listed cause of death as "natural causes." Suspicions arose last week when Lindros declined an invitation to attend a ceremony featuring all fifteen of the franchise's captains at the Spectrum for an exhibition game, citing his prior commitment to attend the memorial service of a friend's dead mother. Enraged by the negative response from his former prodigy, ex-general manager Bobby Clarke hired a private investigator to examine evidence and tail the Lindros family, including father Carl and mother Bonnie.

"Who sets up a memorial service that far in advance... and more importantly, who has a memorial service so late after the passing?" screamed an enraged Clarke in a recent interview. The famed forward player achieved glory back in the 7o's, leading the Flyers to two consecutive winning Championships as an integral part of the Broad Street Bullies. As GM, Clarke made a enormous trade to get Lindros and nearly won a Stanley Cup in 1997. He went on to say, "The little baby would rather kill another helpless human being and use it as excuse to not be in the same building as me."

Along with Clarke, the fans seem to be extremely upset by Lindros' refusal to attend. Bart Larame of Springfield states, "I just pulled two perfectly good pieces of duct tape off his name on the back of my jersey. Now I have to cover it up all over again. What a waste." The number 88 suffered various injuries and numerous concussions of the head while a Flyer, with his last game ending after a devastating check-hit from Devils' nemesis, Scott Stevens, in the 99-00 conference finals.

The Flyers vs. Carolina exhibition game and captain ceremony is Sept. 27th at 1 pm. The Spectrum will be demolished at the completion of the Phantoms AHL Hockey season.

Pete Rose Reinstated By MLB, Playing Under Various Phillies Aliases

During last night's Phillies/Nationals game, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley, who was at third base, took off for home when Washington pitcher John Lannan attempted a pick off at first base. Utley was tagged out at home, but not before sending Nationals catcher Jesus Flores to the hospital with a sprained ankle. Now, in a photo of the play obtained by The Phunyun, it appears the player racing home was not Utley, but former Phillie Pete Rose.

Last night marked the third time this season a Phillies player attempted to take out an opposing team's catcher. Earlier this season Eric Bruntlet gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a concussion and in July, Shane Victorino ran over Braves catcher Brian McCann. But an investigation by The Phunyun shows these plays, and the Utley play last evening, were actually the work of Pete Rose, who in 1989 was banned from baseball.

Sources from within Major League Baseball confirm that a plan was devised in May to allow Rose to return to the game, first by assuming the role of other players. The MLB hired famed Hollywood make-up artist Terri Simon to make Rose look like a number of Phillies players throughout the season. Each of the plays in question are eerily similar to the infamous "Ray Fosse incident" Rose was involved in in 1970.

Phillies manager Charlie Manuel refused to confirm that Rose was playing for his team, but he did say, "Pete Rose ain't never worn no lipstick or rouge, I'll tell ya that."

Spokespeople for the Braves, Cardinals and Nationals each said they are considering disputing the games in which Rose was involved.

Mendte to Receive Pardon from President Bush

Beleagured former KYW-Tv Newscaster Larry Mendte pleaded guilty in court Friday to charges that he illegally hacked into the email account of his co-anchor, Alycia Lane. Sources close to the Phunyun believe that if sentenced to a prison term, Mendte will be pardoned by President George W. Bush. These rumors have spurred on rampant speculation that Mendte has given up the news in order to pursue a career in internet surveillance, gaining intelligence to fight the war on terror.

Alabaster Le'Creme, Public Affairs officer for the Women's U.S. Gymnastics squad, believes that the anonymous hacker who exposed the Chinese ruse involving the use of underage gymnists to win the gold in these 2008 Summer Olympics was none other than Larry Mendte. He states, "The man has had a ton of time on his hands recently, and he obviously has a gift. So many people are looking at this thing from the wrong angle."

Family and friends of Mendte blame his recent troubles on the film, Swordfish, starring Hugh Jackman as a hacker who must use his web talent to get back his daughter. The former host of prime-time CBS 3 news received the movie as a gift this past Christmas. Mendte faces a possible 5 years in prison.