Philly Strip Clubs Spoof World Series Promotion Offering "Free Pink Taco..."

Taco Bell is running a World Series promotion giving out free tacos today, Oct. the 28th, thanks in part to the base stealing abilities of Tampa Bay's Jason Bartlett. Between the hours of 2 and 6pm, for one day only, patrons can enter any Taco Bell across the country and receive their free taco. A few local Phialdelphia strip clubs have taken this idea and run with it in a complete opposite (and much more enticing) direction. DayDreams, Cheerleaders, Show n' Tell, and other particpating clubs will open tonight at 10pm with free admission and one complimentary lap dance for males wearing a Phillies jersey as part of their "Free Pink Taco" promotion.

Phillies Call In Bejing Olympic Weather Modification Team to Halt Downpour...

A select team of 30 members of the Bureau of Weather Modification, one of the largest organizations in the world, touched down at Philadelphia International Airport early this morning with one thing on their mind: STOP THAT RAIN. The BWM's spokeperson, Wang Cheung, states, "We received a carr rate rast night from the Phiraderphia Phirries, asking us to herp hart the incrimate weather that is currentry hitting the city." When asked why he was talking this way, Cheung did three backflips and disappeared. This team, part of the 37,000 member army that the BWM has become, is called into action whenever parts of the world are struck by an unusual drought. But much like they did in Bejing for the 2008 Olympics, they are now being called upon to stop the rain from falling over a particular geographical region, that being Citizen's Bank Park.

A translator for lead BWM weapons specialist, General Kara Teechop shared, "We basically shoot various items up into the clouds, like silver iodide, salts, dry ice, Craisins, and rubber bands." This form of "rain mitigation" helped open a small window of perfect weather for the Chinese games, keeping the patrons inside the Birds Nest in downtown Bejing high and dry. When asked if he was concerned that perhaps this process could cause a drought in the Philadelphia region for a prolonged amount of time, Mayor Nutter stated, "I'd trade an agricultural drought for a championship drought anyday."

Religious Group Proclaims "God Hates Phils"

Game five of the 2008 World Series was postponed after heavy rain fell on the Philadelphia area last night, and with more rain in the forecast on Tuesday it's unclear when the game will resume. While many continue to blame Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig for the decision, another culprit is emerging - God.

The Westboro Baptist Church has become infamous for their condemnation of homosexuality and for protesting at the funerals of fallen American soldiers. Last night, members of the church were seen protesting outside of Citizens Bank Park claiming there was no way God would allow the city of Philadelphia to celebrate a championship.

Armed with signs reading "God Hates Phils," "Blame It On The Rain" and "We'd Say You're Going To Hell, But You're Already In Philadelphia," the group expressed what they believe to be God's hatred toward Philadelphia sports franchises. The group's leader, Reverend Fred Phelps seemed to predict a rainfall early in the evening.

"And it will come to pass that after four games a flood shall fall on the city," said Phelps. "And two by two they shall exit the park, dissatisfied with the result, cursing the name Bud Selig."

It is unclear if Phelps' church will protest outside of game five when it resumes either tonight or tomorrow. "We've got a lot of people to offend," said Phelps. "So I don't know if we can stick around this modern day Sodom and Gomorrah."

Lab Results for "Dark Spot" on Blanton's Cap Are In...

Tampa Bay Ray's Manager and local Hazelton god, Joe Maddon, asked MLB officials to confiscate Phillies pitcher Joe Blanton's baseball cap immediately after last night's Game 4 of the World Series. Blanton pitched well through 7 innings and seemed to confound the majority of the Rays' hitters. During the third inning, Maddon's brother John called Joe on his personal cell phone and exclaimed that due to his Hi-Def feed and 1080 i flat screen television, he could see a mysterious substance on Blanton's brim. The hat was bagged and sent to a third party laboratory, where technicians worked through the night to discover the molecular makeup of the spot and test it for any possible illegal substance. The results were delivered to MLB commissioner Bud Selig's hotel room this morning via Liberties Parcel. He states, "Aside from the results being revoltingly disgusting, there were no illegal substances found and I absolve both Joe Blanton and the Phillies organization of any wrong doing." A piece by piece break down of the lab results follows just below..

Rays Manager Joe Maddon Does Not Approve of Your Beer Choice

It's been widely regarded that Philadelphia fans are some of the toughest in sports. Although it's rarely discussed by the national media, the Philly fans even booed Santa Claus once. But not often do they get it in return, especially from the opposing team's manager.

During game 3 of the World Series Saturday night, Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon traded verbal jabs with some Phillies fans seated near the Rays dugout. However, at one point Maddon hit below the belt - attacking a man's choice in beer.

"Down by the dugout I had a good time with a bunch of guys sitting up in the stands. I was actually giving a guy a hard time for drinking Coors Light in Philadelphia," said Maddon. "We went back and forth with that, and I said 'where's the Schmidt's?' At least some Rolling Rock. Don't be going with Coors Light. It's so unfashionable for a Philly dude."

The Phunyun was able to catch up with Brandon Hudson who was Maddon's sparring partner and defends his beer choice.

"First of all I don't know where the hell Joe Maddon's been but the Schmidt's brewery closed in 1987, so maybe he should get some new references," said Hudson. "And secondly, I just grabbed a beer from the vendor who was selling in our section. Sorry I didn't want to wait in line and wanted to actually watch the game, unlike the fans in Tampa."

Sarah Palin Removes Curse From Flyers, Places It On St. Louis Blues

After the Flyers failed to win in their first six games following Sarah Palin's ceremonial puck drop for their season opener, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate removed the curse Friday night, placing it instead on the St. Louis Blues.

While campaigning in Missouri Friday, Palin made an appearance at the Scottrade Center to drop the puck before that night's Blues/Kings game. Meanwhile, 900 miles away in Newark, New Jersey, the Philadelphia Flyers broke out of a 3-2 deficit entering the second period to win their game against the New Jersey Devils 6-3. As expect, the Blues lost their match to the Kings 4-0.

Experts across the sports world agree Palin is placing some sort of curse on the home teams she drops the puck for. The self-described "hockey mom" is now being mentioned in the same breath as "The Curse of the Billy Goat," "The Curse of the Bambino" and "The Curse of Being the Clippers."

Oliver Klozoff, professor of Paranormal Studies at Temple University, says "The Palin Curse," like most of the other curses, is very real and should be taken seriously by any other NHL team thinking of allowing the VP candidate to drop the puck.

"A lot of people might look at this and say, 'oh that's just a coincidence' and those people are kidding themselves," said Klozoff. "There is something at work here, I don't know if it's because she feels there aren't enough Alaskans in the NHL or what. But I'll tell you this, if you see the Dallas Mavericks tank when the NBA season starts I think we have a real epidemic on our hands."

Klozoff also believes Palin's power is increasing and her potential to cause havoc on professional sports teams may be growing with each appearance.

"Take a look at tonight's game with the Blues," said Klozoff. "Not only did they get shut out by a bad Kings team, but their goalie was injured tripping over the carpet she walked out on. This is getting scary."

Before the ceremony involving Palin, Blues goalie Manny Legace accidentally stepped on the red carpet and tripped. Legace allowed two goals on 12 shots during the first period and did not return for the second period with what the team is calling a "lower body injury."

Calls to the Palin campaign were not returned by press time.

Phillies Relent to Fans, Howard to Sit, Myers to DH

Although he almost single-handedly put the Phillies in the playoffs with his September play, first baseman Ryan Howard will sit the bench tonight in a move that Phillies fans have been calling for since the playoffs began. Taking the place of Howard in the clean-up spot will be pitcher Brett Myers according to manager Charlie Manuel.

"People probably, you know, they probably don't know it, but like, I listen to advice from the fans," said Manuel. "And they make a good, you know they make a good point about Howard not hitting. So, we're going to give Myers a shot since, like, he's batting .800."

Streams of calls to sports radio stations, and sports blogs in the Philadelphia region have been calling for the benching of Howard with his .229 batting average during the playoffs. By contrast, Myers is batting a red-hot .800 over the same time span.

Phillies fan Andrew Christopher said he thinks this is the right decision.

"Howard fucking sucks," said Christopher. "He just sucks, I dunno."